Crazy Life
by lacitar13
Summary: A girl dressed as a boy, a fat nanny, Qias eager to get married, and Zhao Yun not allowed to see his favorite child. Oh just what is the world coming to?


Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story.

Warning: This is an alternate universe version of Dynasty Warriors and the Three Kingdoms. If you don't like it then don't read it.

Note: Thanks to everyone who e-mailed me. No, I'm not dead, though I have had a tumor removed officially. On the flip side I doubt I'll be updating on a regular basis. I'm starting back to school full time as well as working full time as well as contuing to sell my eroticas. Ciao.

Leigh leaned against the wall and prayed for the day to end. The ill-fitted armor hung on her frame with an occasional clink as pieces moved against each other. It was a testament to her stamina that no noise had been heard recently from her direction. It seemed that her own armor had already been loaded into baggage so that she could accompany her charges. While this would have normally not have been a problem for other bodyguards, it was a major issue for her much shorter frame.

Once she had discovered what had occurred to her armor, she had quickly found a replacement, Taischi Ci's armor that he had worn as a young teenager, to be exact. The ill-fitted armor hung on her frame. For the first half of the day, it had done nothing but make noise as the pieces clinked together. The Qiaos had quickly made their opinions known on this. Leigh had worked hard all day to ensure that no more noise would disturb the two.

It was difficult to remain perfectly still though, and Leigh was already tired from the long day. The creatures in front of her seemed bent on drawing out the torture as long as possible though. Even now the two monsters, surrounded by their usual entourage of ladies had summoned four more servants to assist with the packing. There would be no rest for her anytime soon.

The occurrences of the day had already been long enough that she wished only for the embrace of sleep. There had been the carrying of the sewing, delivery of seven pieces of luggage for each girl to the waiting ship as well as the uploading of them into their cabin. One could not forget the fetching of food items as well as messages, and the grisly drive to the market where her two charges had wandered helter skelter through the shops. Each had decided that they needed a new dress, plus accessories if they would be ready for the wedding.

Fortunately all the activities had taken Leigh's mind from the real problem, the upcoming wedding. But now, with nothing to do but watch her charges debate on dresses, her mind wandered back to the dilemma. The two Qiaos were happy at least. Their husbands had each been dead for five years, and they were bitting at the bit to once again return to the "blissful state of marriage" as they referred to it. But Leigh's mind still raced around the thought of her largest problem. Once each of her charges were married than she would be given to one or the other's husband to serve in his personal army. If she went dutifully she knew that her secret would be discovered. Armies were not known for having a lot of privacy. That would make her as good as dead. It was enough to make her want to run screaming down the hall to Lady Wu and to confess the whole story.

With a sigh that shook her armor, Leigh stood a little bit straighter at her post. Lady Wu would not help her, she knew. No, the woman would probably turn her over to her son if she knew that the male bodyguard she had discovered while out riding her horse in the country was really General Zhang Liao's missing adopted "sister".

Leigh leaned back against the wall again and tried to ignore the growing need for sleep. There was no use in complaining, and her situation was of her own making. It was surely preferable to the alternative, which was marriage to Guan Yu's adopted son. Yes, she would pretend to be a man long into her old age before she married him.

"My ladies, Lady Wu requests the attendance of your bodyguard for last minute instructions." Leigh turned her head to see one of Lady Wu's attendant's waiting patently at the door.

"Of course. Anything for her," Lady Da turned to the bodyguard. "Go and see what she has to say Lee."

With a nod and clink of armor she turned and followed the servant. The night just got longer.

Zhao Yun struggled to get the door opened. The fact that two nubile young women were attached to the hand he was trying to use to turn the knob didn't help matters.

"Yunnie," one of them tugged at his arm.

What was her name again?

"You can check the royal brat tomorrow." The first pulled harder.

"Why don't we skip to where you show us your 'little dragon'?" The one beside her said as she ran her hands along his side and across his crotch.

"You'll see it in a minute ladies," he slurred. "Let me make sure my lord's child is fine." He shrugged his shoulders, trying to get the young woman to let go for just a second. Why was there two knobs? Maybe he shouldn't have drunk quite so much at the feast.

His hand reached for the doorknob and missed. He gave a soft curse and was about to try again when the door swung inwards. His eyes almost crossed as he attempted to focus on the woman in front of him. Once he did, the sight quite stole his breath. The woman had her black hair tied back into a severe bun that showed off her double chins prominately. The robe she wore wrapped around her did not hide the fact that she was as rotund as Xu Zhu on a fat day. But it was here eyes that marked her as uncommon, for while everyone he had ever met had an almond shape to them, hers held instead a wide eyed look that gave her a shock looked.

"You aren't Lady Dia."

"No, I am not Lady Diao, and you sir, are drunk."

He nodded his head, then thought waited until the room stopped spinning before adding, "Yes. I am. Zhang Fei took out the-"

"I don't care if Lord Liu himself bid you drink yourself to death. What do you want at this late hour at night?"

"I always tuck in Liu Chan at night."

her brown eyes grew large. "You? You're the dragon of Changsan?"

"Yes, that would be me, Zhao Yun."

Her eyes drifted over him, noticing the crumpled clothing he wore that was stained with food and drink. "Liu Chan has been in bed for hours. He does not need your assistance to get to sleep tonight."

She tried to close the door only to have him stick his foot in her way.

"But I always do it. Lady Dia would let me do it!"

Her eyes hardened. "I am not Lady Dia, as I recall telling you. I am the new nanny. I was hired to ensure that undesirables do not interfere with his upbringing. You, general, are no longer allowed to see him either.

"What?"

"You heard me. If it was not bad enough that the rumors of your lecherous behavior has spread through camp, but to submit that poor child to it," she pointed at the two women who still clung to his arm, one having begun to remove her top, "Is...is...disgraceful!"

"What?"

"You might fool Lord Liu Bei, but I know your type. You are no longer welcomed near Liu Chan as long as you continue your whorish ways." With that the door was slammed in his face

Note 2: I'm bored with fanfics that have perfect or nearly so OC characters. You were warned.


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